Job Application

This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!
NAME: Greg Bulmash

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Aries.

姓名：格瑞格•布尔曼什
性别（英文Sex，同样有“性行为”的意思——译者注）：没有，还在等待合适的人。
应聘职位：公司总裁或副总裁。但重要的是要有一个职位，任何现成的职位都可以。如果我有权挑剔的话，也不会来这里申请工作。
期望薪酬：每年185,000美元外加股票期权，以及和Michael Ovitz式的离职赔偿金。如果这些不可能的话，您出个价，我们再商量。
学历（英文Education，有“教育”的意思。——译者注）：受过教育。
最近工作职位：中层管理阶级的目标。
薪水：我不止值那个数。
最显著的成就：我那对便签纸和偷来的钢笔的惊人收藏。
离开的原因：工作太烂了。
可以工作的时间：任何时间。
优先工作时间：周一，周二，周四的1:30-3:30 p.m.
你有什么特长吗?：有一些，但更适合在私人场合展示。
我们可以和你的现在的雇主联系吗?：如果我有，我干嘛来这儿？
有任何使你不能举起50磅重物的身体疾病吗？：要举什么重物？
你有车吗?：我认为这里比较合适的问法是：“您有一辆行驶正常的车吗？”
你曾受到过特别的奖励或者荣誉吗?：我可能已经是PCH（Publishers Clearing house）彩金的赢家了。
你吸烟吗?：工作时不吸；休息时吸。
你五年后想做什么?：和一个富可敌国，性感无比，并且认为我是自面包片发明以来最棒的人的金发超级模特一起生活在巴哈马群岛。其实，这也是我现在想做的。
尽你所知，你可以担保以上内容完全属实?：是的，绝对属实。
签名（英文Sign Here，Sign还有星座的意思。——译者注）：白羊座